Consent, desire and needs: the dilemma

*SSC is sacred. It is a paramount cornerstone of trust. I would not question the practices of informed consent. This post is not about questioning consent. I want that clear from the start.*

I have been considering a Facebook group post. A woman's husband came home drunk and declared it was her "wifely duty" to fuck him when ever he requested. Oh corse this erupted into a deluge of angry responses. The husband was a misogynist, it was rape, what an asshole... and for the most part I agree. A persons body is their own to do with as they please. Consent is after all given and revokable at any time.
As I considered the issue brought up by the post. Specifically, I though on how interest and desire seem to wane in long term relationships and how consent is tied to desire. If only one has a desire than the other is either doing (knitting , fucking, antiquating, bottoming, what ever) things either out of pity, to please the other or just to get along..... is that really consent?  I begin to doubt it.
Since consent involves desire or will to do something then if or when that will changes the consent changes. It is natural ... I get it.
In my past I have had Vanilla relationships go bad because after the desire was met my partners religious guilt welled up and suddenly the consent so freely given ... her desire to shove me down and ride me like a show pony... was reversed. Suddenly consent was now conjolled out of her and she "was talked into"  it.  As soon as the desire returned she was a willing horn dog again. This relationship has left me with a sense of impermanence to consent, a "retroactive revocability" if you will.
This is the terrifying territory of the "treacherous submissive". The dangerous one that begs for play but then latter claims violated boundaries or tell some sorted tale. Their consent abates with their desire.
The harder part is when the desire abates slowly. They become "less interested in BDSM or sex (remember I am speaking of all partnerships here not just Fetish ones) and more interested in tv, movies, computers, books .... distractions.
Many will say "I'm too Domtastic for that to happen to me"  Trust me at some point a submissive has been tired of your Dom-Ass. You were either too arrogant or too busy looking for the next thing to notice.  In the Lifestyle I have been through this on more than one occasion. it is natural for a relationship to go from roaring fire to warm hearth. The problem lies when that warmth holds comfort but no real desire.
So when the partner that was hot to play becomes the trusted friend , companion, lover that is comfy and no longer desires the same as the their mate / Top... where dose consent lie then?  When the slightest hint of play brings on a yawn or , in the case of my ex a disapproving look over the top of her latest book, how can a good partner expect there to be real consent?
Remember you have needs you want fulfilled. Needs that have brought you to this person but with out mutual desire those needs become a burr in the saddle. If you aren't familiar with how bad that sucks ... ask a pony girl.

So here is the delema:  How is the good partner to act in the face of flagging desire and consent considering their own needs. To demand, conjole, "negotiate", bater or force what one partner needs over the other is ,IMO, a violation of Consent. How should that drunken bastard really been? How do we meet our needs AND our partners in this kind of situation.
The Nilla hetro way is porn, divorce , cheating..... or religious self loathing. Many in the lifestyle, myself included, are in "open" or "Polly"  relationships.   But to us in the lifestyle with the Top being somewhat expected to drive the activity.... how do we balance the consent of less desires with our own needs?  Sure 24/7 and TPE are less likely to be affected by this as openly as those not practicing D/s in that way. To be sure though there are days when either party is "just not up for it" and then it is not as much consent as commitments to meet.
There in lays the issue. While the desire to see their partner happy may replace their desire to play, serve of have sex with their partner it is a *duty bound* thing , a placation at best. I do not know about you but I have worked too hard at honing my skills as a lover, Dominant, and many other valuable things to be a "house hold chore".
In the end there is only one cure when faced with this issue: Honest, clear, communication.  Not just between partners but also within. What is the reason behind the decreased desire?  What are the permitters to getting needs met? How important are the needs that are not getting met? Is it in the end a deal breaker?  Communicate honestly with yourself and find answers to share with your partner.... Then see where things stand.  In the end Desire and the consent it brings ... can not be forced only understood and dealt with.

Old Guard

There is much talk in the lifestyle about Old Guard Leather. It is a revered part of lifestyle history and to know where we have been is important in having a clue as to where we are going. 

Old Guard reefers to an early Leather culture in the 40’s and 50’s that developed out of post world war II return of solders and was predominantly Gay. It centered around a set of values and was very exclusive. In it’s earliest incarnation it has been described as minority BDSM and was a focus around motorcycle clubs.  It developed a higher protocol than today out of both the military background of many of it’s members and as a “secret society”. Being predominantly a homosexual community it followed guidelines meant to keep out of the public eye. 

In the 1940 Homosexuality was considered a mental disorder and was treated as such. Outed homosexuals faced prison under sodomy laws, “treatment” including castration and lobotomy in mental institutions, and physical assault in the general community. Is it any wonder that in an underground subculture there would arise a secrete society of strict  protocol?  It was not until the 70’s that the social climate change sufficiently to allow for Gay leather culture to shift to a public venue like leather bars.  

The focus was on a set personal ethics  expressed in the hierarchy, protocol and discipline. Interaction was highly regimented. Tops did not approach attached submissive. Attached submissive didn’t even look at Top. The “uniform” was highly regimented. This kept the general public from catching onto the existence of this subculture and yet allowed for subtle recognition among the members. Again this kept them safe from the hostile social climate of the time. 

So why is it now that we in the “neo-guard”  fail to understand or respect the Old Guard and look on them as “stuffy”.  We see the old protocols as limiting or unimaginative. We forget the freedoms that we have are not how it has always been. 

Many of us , especially in the straight leather community,  grew up in a more inclusive time. Much of the Neo-Guard never knew a time when Homosexuality was not a “polite conversation” as my grandmother would say.  A whole generation would not recall a time when a mohawk was a radicle statement. The modern information age has aided to erase many of the prejudices that existed not even ten years ago.

In the light of todays freedom many practitioners of BDSM forget the Old Guard protocols were there to set a standard. Like most etiquette it is there to keep things civil and codify respect. Reflectant of the times there was more etiquette expected of gentlemen and ladies of the 1940’s / 1950’s.  I can not count the number of times i have witnessed a situation that had an ounce of respect via etiquette  been given a big drama could have been avoided. 

We as a Neo- Gard need to appreciate that some of the old guard rules still need to apply. We need not look to shock old ladies, in mass they are dangerous. It only takes a good “leather scare” to have the freedoms we enjoy disappear ( as the victorian morals movement or prohibition). We need to respect others D/s relationships, rolls, and levels of protocol.  And really would matching colors really kill us? Embrace our freedom but lets not throw out the good the Old Guard teaches us. 

Fitness Play

As a "Dark Military Fetishist" I try to keep "fit for duty".  As a Master I try to influence my girls fitness. It is not about how she looks. She is VERY hot thank you very much. It is about quality of life, energy, self esteem and the responsibilities of being a Master. it is about helping my girl meet the goals she sets.
In our house I usually cook. I try to choose foods dependent on what we are doing and when it is being served. I have learned to cook lighter and am learning more gluten free recipes as well.
Today my girl did her usual run. After I introduced a free weight component to help her conditioning and metabolism. I told her to keep using proper form and even threatened to get my crop and make sure she stopped arching her back  during one specific exercise. This will undoubtedly will become a type of play for us. "D.I. work outs" will undoubtedly become part of our play.

To me fitness play involves establishing a workout routine for a submissive. then occasionally pushing the submissive in a "burn out" routine pushing them to exhaustion. This is not to be misunderstood as pushing a sub till they collapse. A "burn out " routine is where one lifts a specific weight untill unable to lift it again , then lifting a lesser (usually by say 2-5 lbs) until that too is "burnt out". It induces a form of endorphins that resemble sub space. The long term affect is when the sub wakes in the morning to a soreness that lasts and is actually benificial to the submissive.
It is important to note that A Dom must know how to work out and how to avoid injuries . If pushed too far a submissive can get into REAL health issues. Exhaustion and dehydration can be very dangerous.

The other good thing I have discovered ..... my usual work out bench doubles nicely as a spanking bench.
   

Go on and Cry , Cry .... Baby!!

"Are you ok , Girl" I whispered in her ear as tears steamed down her face. "Yes Sir.... it is good ... more please" she choked out thorough the sobs.  The first time i made a submissive cry was an intense and unexpected experience. It was also an enlightening one.
My submissive at the time , Lets call her "Kay" for decorums sake, was a buxom pain slut. She became wet at the sound of my belt slapping through the belt loops hoping it was headed for her ass. She loved intense play. She loved the kind of pain that more often than not others could not endure. I regularly pushed that envelope to see where her limit lay. I never did find it.
This time found her starring at my "new" toy. I let her believe that I had not practiced much with the single tail in my hand.  I showed it to her and remarked on its "newness". The truth is I had been practicing with it for a good 6 mo. What I didn't show her was the electric fly swatter.  After being bound to the spanking bench and blindfolded I began taping her ass with biting electric shocks as I cracked the whip. She later told me she fully expected to find open wounds from a sound whipping.  That the pain triggered a cathartic flood of tears.
When she began crying I stopped and did a sub check. She said it was a good .... that she wanted more. I obliged for another five minutes then took her down for aftercare.  I did not want to push too far into a door so unexpectedly unlocked.
In that scene I came to understand another aspect of play. I was use to inducing sub space. I was use to turning little subbies into puddles of horniness. I was not use to inciting my submissive into catharsis.  It was a bit of a shock.   Kay and I discussed it at length.
The play had released stresses and emotions that she was feeling about her job and another relationship. things that she felt but was not able to put a finger on or release on her own. She described it as "a tearjerker on steroids". There it was. Another facet to this life had opened up. Not only was I able to incite passion and endorphins I was able to release deep seated stress and emotions.
My submissive tears  are another gift to be cherished for they represent the trust and pact between us.  They are always to be acknowledged by sub check.  They are to be treasured as a special part of this journey together.  I will dry them with care and look upon them with love.
So if you need to let it go..... if you need your Sirs hand for that "gentle push" (lol) to get there..... then go on and cry...cry ... Baby!

First Step .... Tie up the cat! :P

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The Word Master

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Master has a first name its C-O-N-T-R-O-L

If you have read my post on the word “Master” then you will understand what I am about to say. “I did not claim you, as is my usual way, because is is not what you need right now”.  

I am in am open relationship with my girl. This means that we have the option of playing ( both sexual and platonic BDSM) with other Doms or subs as the case may be. We have ground rules. We have protocols. We have some things are negotiated just for us. 

One of my protocols is for my girl to make sure my needs as her Master are met before playing elsewhere. I would not play with another unless my girl was fully taken care of as well. It signifies the primary relationship between us. We have until recently only played separately when I have been out of town so this particular protocol has not been fully put into practice. 

Tonight my girl went to play with what I am hoping will be a regular Dom play partner. He has shown the utmost respect for our primary relationship going so far as to involve me in the teasing process. He understands the situation and is in my opinion a true Master as well. 

So when my girl started getting nervous about this play date I could tell. See when she get unsure or nervous about things she begins to bratt, becomes snappy and gets an agitated agressive tone to her.  She began this process well as she began to get ready to go. I take it that as she said “ we haven’t done this with you in town I am use to getting ready alone”. 

There is was the root of the Brattitude.  She is unsure of the aftermath. Other times it has caused great issues with her SO after the fact. You know the type.... the ones that call themselves “poly” or “swingers” but really are doing it to either please their SO or have never really understood what it means. They are the ones with out compersion. They are what my girl has had before. Men who have said they were good with it only to find these men turn on her. We have talked at length about it. 

So when my darling girl became bratty and snarky I though that this is not the time to press my ownership, flex my Dominace, or demand she stick to protocol. It is the time to let her feel this.... to see that I mean everything I said...... That I DO feel compersion and happiness that she is experiencing the style of another good Dom. ..... and that nothing around here will change. Well besides that serving two honorable and creative Doms may be more than she bargained for. 

As a Master my first rule is self control. If I can not look past my personal desires to what my girl is in need of.....then I am not her Master. If i can not master deferring my own personal gratification for her development..... I am not her Master. 

SO “ “I did not claim you, as is my usual way, because it is not what you need right now.” I said as I kissed her.“ However, when you return home my girl, I will leave you no doubt who you belong to”.    

Sex and the BDSM lifestyle

There seems to be allot of folks that seem to think that Sex is not only part of the D/s  equation but REQUIRED  of a submissive. That "to be my sub you must give me free domain over all of you including and especially your genitals".  Throughout the online communities I see this attitude of sexual "ownership". Granted, sex and sexual based play is a valid and negotiated form of play and I myself have included it into some of my scenes.
I have written in my Fetlife blog about what the term "Master" means : https://fetlife.com/users/39790/posts/131733
Separating the Sexual from the Sensual is a feat of self control. Self control is at the core of mastery.If a Dom / Domma can not separate the sexual from the providing sensual stimulations then perhaps there is a control issue. I am not saying this is a catchall statement but there are many times when D/s is used to gain sexual access.  The ass may be sweet and I may get a thrill from spanking it ... that dose not mean I have free reign to cum in it.
The real problem comes when sex is seen as a required component of D/s. Even more troubling are the numbers of "doms" that see D/s as a cart blanch to act like entitled, male, chauvinistic, pigs. The ones that are really looking to get laid and think that "sub girls are easy" They are predators in Doms clothing. They do not understand that D/s is a form of power exchange. That Doms are given power to use in a specific  agreed upon way and it is not JUST to serve the Doms base desire.
In all circuits there is a positive to negitive route. The energy in the form of electricity flows from the + through the circuit to the - poll.  In D/s  the submissive (+)  provides the power in the form of consent (C)  that is use in the circuit in the form of the Scene (S).  The return of consent in the form of action and the resulting Purpose of the Scene (SP) (and lets face it whether it is a flogging , candling or humiliation play the purpose of a scene is the fulfillment of the D/s exchange) completes the circuit forming a resonant Amplification.
At some point I will write a blog on the "schematics of play" and develop that line further but this is were it becomes a tangent here so back to my point.
If there is no connection in the process above or if the Dom "shorts out" the process by not testing the connections before moving to the physical then they risk getting "shocked".
If you are a Dom and not a predatory pervert you are capable of having a scene with someone that you may connect with but not find sexually attractive.  A Dominant can even do a forced orgasm scene with someone they find attractive and not have personal expectations of getting off themselves. The point is that just because the yummy pain is being applied to yummy parts doesn't necessarily mean you are having sex or have the consent to demand it.
And to those Boys out there that think that kink girls are easy and calling yourself a "Dom" will grant you access to some Porn Promised Land, D/s is like any other form of relationship in that it requires mutual trust and respect , even more so considering what we do. Kink Girls have discovered what they want and how to get it. A hard cock is easy to come by. A hard cock with a good man attached is not.  Grow the fuck up and develop a personality worth fucking.