The castle of intimacy

The castle of intimacy.


Many people equate intimacy with sex or sexual things. To the point that it has become a euphemism for sex. It is of course far more complex than that. Most things in human relations are. Intimacy, like the love that often accompanies it,  takes more than one form. Society likes to focus on the  Romantic Love / Sexual Intimacy forms and seems to ignore all other forms.

Intimacy is best described as the act of allowing another to access the vulnerable parts of self. The parts of ourself that we protect. This is more than just our genitals. It is everything from simple information like our names and phone numbers to deeper mor important things like our family information and history, sexual history, financial information, and where the bodies are actually buried.  Basically intimacy is trusting others with anything that can hurt us. Everything we protect. Intimacy is the castle we protect ourselves inside of.

Like real castles it has different levels of access. From the perimeter to the moat to the towers, the treasury, the royal bed chambers , and the deep dark dungeon we regulate who gets access to these precious areas.  Not everyone gets an all acess pass , nor should they.  Traditionally we do not let friends into the royal bed chamber where sexual intimacy resides.  We may let them into the royal treasury and loan money. We may let them into the mages tower to know the wisdom we have collected through our personal histories, triumphs and failures. We may even let them into the deepest darkest part of the dungeon where our inner demons live. Even when we allow others into the ballroom of  being in social environments we are sharing a form of intimacy. Yet it is sex that we consciously connect intimacy with.

The other forms of intimacy do not get looked at as intimacy and as such having a great silent affect on relationships. In many marriages how money is spent, who makes it and who consoles it are NOT seen as an individual intimacy. An uncomfortable truth that no one likes to admit is that the wallet are a mans tits. Men are often judged, desired and valued but how well they can provide security in the same way women are often judged, desired and valued by how well they can inspire and provide offspring. However unlike a woman's body that is not considered property of the marriage (and rightly so) a mans income is assumed to be both the man and woman's. If you think this is not the case look at the law that governs it when the marriage ends. It is so engrained in society it is subject of humor  in many situation comedy. When the man refers to the money he brings in by using the referential “my money” the wife assumes it is a claim of ownership and chaos comedy ensues. Silly man your money is the families not your own….  The financial intimacy is not recognized and valued. What if the the wife referred to her lady bits as “my vagina” and the man got upset? That's not comedy…. That's mysogistic ownership of women as chattel  (And it is).  Why? Because we see sexual intimacy and sexual access as a greater more sacred form of intimacy. The royal bed chamber is a more protected keep of the castle.
Even the “lesser intimacies” of after work drinks opens us up to being vulnerable. We leave the structured office with its rules on harassment, politically correct language, and dress code for the freedom of the real world. What we do and say in the bar opens up privilege part of our lives to our colleges. Topics give greater acess as drinks flow and tongs relax. We do not look at this as intimacy but it really is. It is why you miss one office mate but don't notice when the wallflower in the corner cubicle left six months ago. Intimacy increases value.

This castle of intimacy matters but we don't bother to teach our kids about it. We don't consciously as a society tend to look at the levels and intricate affects it has outside of who and why we have sex with.  We don't realize or tend to the other forms of intimacy in the same way. Relationships suffer and die because we misunderstand the needs these intimacies feed. The office flirtation is often less about sex and more about intellectual, emotional, or recreational intimacy. It can, however, develop into a sexual intimacy because when we misunderstand the form or intimacy we refer it to the Indy thing we know like it  sexual intimacy. This also may be at the heart of the “guys just want sex” myth because men are socialized to not be intimate in any other way. The snuggle or hug of a friend gets referred to sexual intimacy.

If we are to progress in so many ways as people we need to have a greater understanding of intimacy in all its forms. We need to tour our own castles of intimacy and understand their rooms.